Today is day ‘WHO THE HELL REALLY KNOWS?!‘ Seriously, do you know what numerical day today is? Not the date, but the specific count inside some arbitrary time period? I don’t, it’s just another day. Also, people don’t typically count the days, we just live in them. Let me make something very clear. When someone dies, the last thing anyone is thinking about is counting days. Chances are, loved ones are not even realizing what day it is, let alone starting a numerical countdown.

We tend to measure life in milestones. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Years passed. It helps us organize time and make sense of change. But grief doesn’t cooperate with neat calendar markers. When someone you love dies, there isn’t a single date that carries the weight — there are hundreds of ordinary days that do. And sometimes, the day everyone else thinks should mean the most… doesn’t.

Same Thing Different Day

If you had asked me how I’d felt on day 7, I’d have said it sucks, day 86-sucks, day 104-sucks, day 248-sucks, day 382-sucks, day 2,936-sucks… IN PERPETUITY.  Can you see a pattern here? Every day is just another day and every single day has a bit of SUCK in it. For the unaware, uninformed and ‘never have experienced this’ KNOW THIS!

Are there good days? Absolutely. Are there great days? Sure. Are there miserable days? Yep. We all have these days, loss or not. But for those with immediate loss, there’s always a bit of ‘suck’ in there somewhere.

Related Post {Forward Thinking}

Now, why am I speaking of this? Because for some reason, certain people seem to think that one number actually makes some sort of difference. To be honest, I never thought of this number until one random day that I began to get calls and texts seemingly out of the blue. So bizarre. I was later told that I was probably getting those correspondences because it was day ‘365’. Apparently that day was supposed to mean something. Here’s the thing-it doesn’t.

We Don’t Have a Countdown

When those calls came in, I didn’t even know what date it was. I wasn’t bracing for anything. I wasn’t watching a countdown clock. I was just living — doing the next thing, moving through another ordinary, altered day.

And suddenly I was supposed to feel something specific because the calendar said so.

Once this assumption was explained to me, my first thought was HOW CRUEL.  Who is sitting at home counting the days since someone else’s worst day? And why would you call the bereaved to remind them of the exact date their life imploded?

“Hey… remember that day? The day everything fell apart?” As if we forgot. As if the other 364 days just slipped by unnoticed. How heartless!

I was stunned, not by the date, but by the lack of thought. Do they not realize that everyday is a day that we are living differently? Don’t call me on a random day that you suddenly ‘remembered him’ to put your singular day of weighted mourning on me-as if I need to comfort you because you forgot during days 1-364. WHAT THE HELL!

Why would I convert that date to memory? Why would that be in the forefront of my mind? Maybe my trauma blocked it out of my mind, and here you are bringing it back! I think of my person everyday. Everyday is no longer normal! Do people think we forget the other 364 days?? That is so baffling to me. Everyday is the same for those actually affected.

So yes, I was completely confused when people that I don’t even speak to on a regular bases started reaching out.

Think First Speak Second

Bottom line here, think before you act. We’ve all learned this, it is not a new concept. Those of us who lost our closest person on day 1 feel no different on day 34, 97, 256, or 365. It’s all the same to us. And if we feel differently, it’s probably because of the small blessings that still exist.

I realize that other people might be different from me. But my unsolicited advice: please don’t call someone to remind them of the worst day of their lives… it’s not a celebration, it’s kind of cruel. I’d bet a lot of us would want to kind of let that specific day fade or blur a little. Remembering someone a year later doesn’t earn you a badge of honor. And good intentions, while sincere, can still cause harm.  A little common sense and thought can truly go a long way.

If you choose to lament annually, you’re free to do so, but don’t place your one day of ‘oh yeah, I remember that guy’ onto someone who has been carrying it everyday. For us, it isn’t a notable annual event, it’s a daily recalibration.

 

WIDOW DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES…OR NOT