Embarrassed. What an odd word to feel in my circumstance. We were a perfectly packaged family of four. Our time together felt ideal, our routines felt right, even our photos reflected something whole. It didn’t just look good—it was good. At least, that’s how it felt between him and me, in what we shared. Our…
STOP SAYING THAT!! It irritates me to no end when people look at you and say, I was divorced (with a stupid slow nod) like they can relate to me. Are you kidding?!! When you got divorced were you unable to breathe when you realized that they were gone forever? I’m guessing not, because you…
Today is day ‘WHO THE HELL REALLY KNOWS?!‘ Seriously, do you know what numerical day today is? Not the date, but the specific count inside some arbitrary time period? I don’t, it’s just another day. Also, people don’t typically count the days, we just live in them. Let me make something very clear. When someone…
Naturally I can only pull from my own experiences and I’ve learned that forward thinking goes a long way. During my life change there are so many times to sit in silence and reflect. Now that I’m so many years removed from the first day, week, month and year, there are some things worth mentioning…
I had an early morning freakout and it showed me quite quickly, that I was pretty much all alone. You remember me talking about widows fog right? Apparently it’s your brain going into survival mode. I find this so odd because I felt that I was barely surviving. Apparently your emotional processing supersedes cognitive…
Ever hear of widow’s fog? It’s a thing, and honestly presently at 4 years in, it’s still a thing. I sometimes think I irritate people by forgetting what they just told me. It’s not intentional, sometimes I’m just in a lost cloudy space even when I seemed to be just very present. You might notice…
Invisible grief. Have you ever heard of that? A more familiar term might be secondary losses. That’s what happens when someone becomes a widow. When you become a widow, the world often focuses on the primary loss- the person who is gone. What the world is unaware of are the secondary losses that ripple…
Being planted, secure, stable, grounded, safe. Those are just some of the things that I felt. Things that I had when I was married and raising my beautiful family. We felt like a perfectly smooth molded round ball. It felt complete. Finished. Some might say that you don’t need others to feel complete. Yes,…
Such a weird thing to say. Such weird looks you get. Such foreign emotions you feel. I’m a widow and it sucks. What sucks even more is that I have to believe that my life was supposed to be scripted this way. The only other thought is that it was just bad luck. The…