Naturally I can only pull from my own experiences and I’ve learned that forward thinking goes a long way. During my life change there are so many times to sit in silence and reflect. Now that I’m so many years removed from the first day, week, month and year, there are some things worth mentioning to those of you who said ‘what can I do?’ and ‘Let me know if you need anything.’
In the beginning, we don’t even know what we need, not fully at least. So for those of you reading this, I’ve learned that we need our ‘helpers’ our ‘village’ to be forward thinkers. Here are some things that will be helpful if you ever find yourself wanting to support a friend. Your thought should be, what role did the spouse play in the daily, on the anniversaries, on the birthdays, on the snow days, in the fall.
See a Need Fill a Need
When I was thrusts into my situation and WINTER was there, all I saw was snow, shoveling was the last thing that I was thinking of. He would have cleared the driveway and the sidewalk to make it safe for our family. One neighbor came to remove our snow one morning and that was it. I was grateful. Now it was my job. As I imagined what I looked like out there shoveling through tears, I began to feel pity for myself. Think about the person, recognize that the widow is now the shoveler. Just a day or so ago, he was. Don’t forget that she’s still there with freezing tears as she’s recognizing her loss and new responsibility. I was fortunate that a dear friend came to our rescue and began to help with this process.
Think ahead to THE WIDOWS BIRTHDAY. Not for the widow necessarily, but for the little kiddos that always had fun with daddy, celebrating mommy. When my birthday came around, my little 6 year old said “where’s all the birthday stuff.” It was a bit heartbreaking. I explained to her that with daddy being gone mommy’s birthday will be a little different then what you’ve been used to. She was remembering going out to get a cake, a gift, balloons, and surprising me with them. It never crossed anybody’s mind to think, what would he have done for her? Or think, maybe I should grab the kids and take them to get something for their mommy. Not because I wanted or needed a birthday gift, but because they were used to doing something, and were confused when the day just came and went.
Recognize The Absence
THE WIDOWS ANNIVERSARY. Especially the first year. Naturally when it was our anniversary, we’d have a sitter, and would re-play our entire wedding day by listening to all of the music while looking at the corresponding photos. We’d have a day to ourselves to remember just how amazing our wedding day was. It would have been nice for someone to pre-plan to keep the kiddos. I would have loved for someone to offer to keep the kids just to allow me the day to reflect, be sad, be grateful or simply just be. I’m sure at some point I eventually asked someone to keep the kids, to allow me to have a day. Just try to remember, what would he do? What would she need? And step up and offer.
VALENTINES DAY. Now, I don’t require much, or anything for that matter. Even though he’d always make it special, I don’t need this ‘holiday’. However, there may be some women who live for this day. Women who would feel just a little low because she just lost her husband and she sees and feels the impact of no longer being someones love. Unfortunately, the balloons, chocolates, and bears throughout all the stores just might be a trigger. Whether they celebrated or not, it is a reminder that they’ve lost their Valentine. It won’t hurt to offer her a little token, at least the first year around.
Help The Spotlight Not Be So Bright
SCHOOL EVENTS. This was an area where I felt quite alone. Immediately you feel overly seen and potentially judged. Now, the people around you might not even be thinking about you or noticing you. However, I felt like people were thinking, that I had an absent husband, that my child had an absent father. Sitting at the awards ceremonies and the concerts alone feels entirely foreign. You watch ‘parents’ walk in and there I am solo. I have nobody next to me to feel the pride and joy of the little love that we are there to celebrate. Nobody to smile and celebrate with you. The child might be fine, or seem fine, but me, the widow, I felt alone, isolated, weird. Maybe offer to be the widows plus one at all of the events. Show up until she finds her confidence in this new lonely world. Show up until she feels OK with the seat next to her being empty. Because eventually, it does start to be normal. Not ideal, but a sort of normal none the less.
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SHOW UP FOR THE KIDDOS. My husband and I were great at dividing and conquering. If one kiddo had a sports event and the other had a dance event at the same time, or close to the same time, we made sure each of us took one and then we’d hustle back when whomever’s event finished first. I was fortunate that my sibling or parents would go to one child’s event because I was at the other child’s. I’d alternate and go to the other child’s event next time and they would be present for the other child. Though I knew they’d show up, you can’t help but feel like you’re burdening others. So, if you know your friend has multiple kiddos in activities, get the schedules and let the widow know that you will be at said event. And that you could even take them! I can’t begin to tell you how hard it was for me to drive back and forth…literally drop one off, take the other elsewhere, and head right back to get the first just to head right back to the second. No break. No time to chat with the coach/teacher. Just immediately having to rush out because your kiddos are little and they are waiting. It was exhausting.
Well, there you have it. just some things that a forward thinking ‘villager’ could do to help a new widow. We eventually get our footing, but in the beginning we’re trying to remember how to even function. I’m sure there are many more things that I’m leaving out, but you get the idea. Chances are, if you need a thing that your spouse is assisting with, she needs the same kind of help.
A WIDOW FORWARD THINKING GOES A LONG WAY