Invisible grief. Have you ever heard of that? A more familiar term might be secondary losses. That’s what happens when someone becomes a widow. When you become a widow, the world often focuses on the primary loss- the person who is gone. What the world is unaware of are the secondary losses that ripple through every corner of life. It’s not even thought of because there’s no way for people to begin to imagine it when their person is still with them. It’s entirely infuriating when people say that they understand. It’s even more infuriating when people try to compare because they’ve lost someone who isn’t a spouse. And don’t get me started about relating through divorce.
Secondary Losses
For the uninformed, let me enlighten you on exactly what happens and may happen when you lose a spouse:
- It’s the loss of a best friend, your person
- Loss of a co-parent
- Loss for the children
- Loss of shared routines
- Loss of help with decisions
- Loss of traditions
- Loss of anniversaries
- Loss of his dreams
- Loss of his family
- Loss of couple friends
- Loss of a home
- Loss of the plans you made for your future together
- Loss of a shared past and memories that I forget and he’s not here to remember, so they’re forever lost
- It’s the empty seat at the table
- It’s the awkwardness of showing up alone, when you’ve been a unit for so long
- It’s the silence you have in the car when the kids are doing their own thing
- It’s quite mornings and long silent nights
- It’s an empty bed with nobody to cuddle you
- The way you eat changes
- Your financial status changes
- You lose your sense of security
- You lose his physical security
- You have to be brave for the kids even when you’re scared yourself
- The way you watch TV changes
- Your family dynamic changes
- It effects your self esteem and your confidence
- Your rhythms change
- Your breathing practically ceases, you literally feel like you’re suffocating
- You lose your inside jokes and secrets partner
- You lose your cheerleader, the one who always had your back
- You feel unseen
- You’re nobody’s 1st priority anymore
- You lose your anchor and shared identity
- You feel an existential loneliness like none other
- You lose your title as wife
- You feel judged when you show up as the only parent
- You become the one who fixes all the things, drives all the places, cooks all the food, handles all the lawn, washes all the laundry, helps with all the school work, books every appointment, runs all the errands, cleans the entire house, and gets no break. You become the one who does ALL THE THINGS even when you’re not sure how to. And no one is there to say good job babe, or I’ve got this. We just have to do it with no appreciation, and sometimes it’s nice to feel appreciated.
- It’s the brutal jolt of absence and overwhelm that you feel whenever you’re faced with ANY of the above
- It’s the loss of feeling safe and being loved by him and loving him in return
- Your life is now divided into The Before and The After
**And you my dear reader who is not a widow CANNOT RELATE. Losses are not the same**
There will always be those who say ‘it takes a village’. Not all of us have a village. Often, the village is taking their own kids to their games, the village is at work, the village is asleep during the middle of the night crisis. Furthermore, if you’ve always had your spouse to turn to for support, it’s uncomfortable and awkward to randomly ask anyone for anything. Especially when you’ve never had to do it before. Doing that is just another unexpected thing that we’re thrust into. It doesn’t matter how may times people say, ‘let me know how I can help’. Often, we widows don’t even know how because we are drowning in all of the things. It can be paralyzing. Nothing feels right anymore. We feel intrinsically isolated and unsure. We feel embarrassed even, because as unseen as we feel, we know people are looking at us with pity…And then they go on with their intact lives.
Maybe all widows don’t feel this way, but I do.
JUST A WIDOW BIT MISUNDERSTOOD